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Like most parents, I used to think that if I made it through the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, the tween mood swings, and the “please don’t drive like that again” moments (and there were plenty), my reward would be confidently sending my children out into the world — peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I’d prepared them for whatever challenges came his way.
But then I heard about “soiling the nest.”
It’s a phenomenon some parents experience when it’s time for their fledglings to spread their wings and leave the comfort of home. Your teen might start petty arguments, or get snippy if your eyeballs linger on them for a millisecond too long. It can be like those tumultuous early days of adolescence all over again, when the newly-surging hormones make their attitudes wildly unpredictable.
This whiplash-inducing behavior is what happens when teens — often unconsciously — start to push their parents away right before a big transition, like leaving for college. They might get moody, irritable, withdrawn, or downright combative. And while it can feel like they’re determined to make your final months together miserable, experts say it’s actually a coping mechanism for the big leap ahead.
“Soiling the nest sounds so dramatic, but it’s a normal (and weirdly necessary) part of adolescence. As teens prep for independence, whether it’s college, a job, or just more freedom, they start pushing boundaries hard,” says Zuania Capó, MHC-LP and member of the SheKnows Parenting Advisory Council. “It’s like some sort of an emotional bubble wrap: they’re creating distance so the big launch into adulthood doesn’t hurt so much. This might look like mood swings, eye rolls, or picking fights over nothing.”
It doesn’t help that the stretch of time between graduation and the commencement of future plans can be kind of nerve-wracking, which can translate into irritability. “Oftentimes the summer before college is a mix of exhaustion, excitement and uncertainty,” says SheKnows Parenting Advisory Council’s Ana Homayoun, author of Erasing the Finish Line. “Maybe the college application process went smoothly, or perhaps there were wait lists, deferrals, rejections and other disappointments that combine to create emotional depletion.”
Knowing there’s a term for this might help parents to feel slightly less unhinged, but it still hurts when your once-snuggly kid gives you an eye roll so hard you can practically hear it. Or when the kid who used to beg to hang out with you now acts like you’re ruining their life because you asked what time they’d be home.
But this emotional flailing is, in a way, its own kind of love. A weird, messed-up love that says, “I don’t know how to say goodbye, so I’m going to make it easier by making you mad at me.”
Capó tells parents that her best tip is not to react — no matter how hard they try to push you away — but to be the anchor instead. “Resist the urge to micromanage their emotions!” she says. “Teens are trying on different selves and identities like outfits in a dressing room. Some will fit; some won’t. Your job isn’t to control the chaos, it’s to be the calm in it. And when things get messy? That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re the safe place they trust enough to unravel in front of. What a privilege that is!”
It helps to remember that this isn’t personal. It feels personal, because it’s your baby who’s suddenly acting like you’re the most annoying human on earth. But it’s not about you. It’s about them figuring out how to leave the nest, even if it means tearing at the twigs a little first.
“As parents and caregivers, it can be hard not to take it personally and to remain calm and consistent in the midst of so much transition for you as well,” says Homayoun.
So if your teen is suddenly driving you up the wall when all you want to do is soak in these final moments? You’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re just living through a chapter nobody warns you about — the emotional mess that comes right before the empty nest.
“It’s wild to watch her push so hard against the walls of this home she’s about to leave, testing boundaries, slamming doors, rolling eyes,” says Laura K., whose 17-year-old daughter is preparing to leave for college. “We had a pretty big moment the other day, and I had to sit her down and remind her, through tears and love, that while she may be almost out the door, this is still her home — and respect still matters here. It’s hard, but I know this is part of growing up … for both of us.”
Anthony Damaschino, author of The Empty Nest Blueprint, reminds parents that this is a transitional phase, and that the process of letting go can start before their physical departure. “This is all about balance. The high school helicopter parent (guilty as charged) has to realize they need to let go, give their child space to make their own decisions, and manage their own lives,” he tells SheKnows. “Give them time to grow and find solutions on their own. This is a time to love and support them, and be there for them, but also back off the ‘daily-active parenting’ role. If the child is needy, it’s a time to let them solve their own problems and shift to depending on themselves. Try to trust in the values you have instilled in your child.”
Damaschino also has some valuable advice to help parents stay steady and connected with each other during an often-tumultuous time. “For the couple, there is a lot of attention on their child, including activities, celebrations, graduation, and preparations for moving out — but don’t forget that you have a spouse throughout all of this,” he says. “Family-centric/child-centric is admirable, but at the end of the day, you and your spouse will be together long after your child leaves. Don’t let your marriage drift.”
And if you’re tackling this parenting thing on your own, this transition period is more complex, says Damaschino: “For the single parent, this transition is more complex. Raising a child as a single parent is challenging. The emotional connection, reliance, and co-dependency can’t be ignored. A single parent needs support — friends, family, books — to get through this. This time is a single parent’s time to start focusing on themselves.”
Homayoun reminds us of the importance of leaning on others. “Parents and caregivers — make sure you are getting the support you need, and make sure your child has people who help them feel supported – even if they may be irritable and difficult to be around,” she says. “More often than not, they will reach out and be in touch far more once they are away, and allowing them to find their rhythm and develop daily habits and routines that support their overall wellbeing is key in this time.”
That’s why your job right now isn’t to fix everything — it’s to hold steady. To offer reassurance without overstepping, to quietly root for them while they practice pulling away. It’s messy and bittersweet and, frankly, exhausting — but it’s also part of the process. The more you can stay grounded, the more they’ll feel safe to wobble as they take their first real steps into the unknown. (Even if it’s hard when they’re treating you like the worst parent on earth.)
“It’s not about you being a ‘bad parent’ — it’s really about them figuring out how to leave the safety and belonging of home while still deeply needing it,” says Capó. “Don’t take it personally. Take a breath, stay steady, and know this storm usually passes.”
And until it does, if you’re crying in the laundry room or stress-eating an entire sleeve of Oreos? Well, that’s a perfectly valid coping mechanism.