Move over, Dracula: There are very real vampires in our lives who drain our joy and energy. We know them when we meet them: the complainer, the narcissist, the drama magnet…and the list of negative Nellies and Nathans goes on. They sap our energy, and in the most extreme cases, deal a blow to our self-esteem. Here, mental health experts share how to deal with difficult people, so that you can take back control, set clear boundaries and improve all your relationships.
How to deal with difficult people
The first step to defusing difficult people is as vital as it is deceptively simple: Label what you’re feeling, encourages Amy Cooper Hakim, PhD, industrial-organizational psychology practitioner and co-author of Working With Difficult People.
“It’s important to be honest with yourself by saying, ‘This person doesn’t make me feel good about myself,’” says Hakim. Such an explicit acknowledgement helps curb any misplaced self-blame you may feel so you can shift from the shell shock of being mistreated into proactive, problem-solving mode.
Another advantage to spotting joy thieves is that it helps prepare you for the next time they come around. “You’ll be able to say to yourself, ‘This behavior seems familiar—I recognize this type of person,’” she says. With your antenna raised, you’ll create healthy boundaries more easily. Here, five types of difficult people—and simple strategies that will stop them from taking advantage of your big heart.
Defuse a gossip with a redirect
What sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom? It’s our gift of gab. We’re made to communicate, and gossip has long been a kind of social glue. Benign gossip, that is. When it takes on a darker tone targeting others, however, it can become malignant. “A key factor motivating gossips is their need to feel important,” reveals clinical psychologist Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, adjunct professor at Northwestern University and host of the podcast Reimagining Love.
Another potential explanation behind their need to bond with you over spilling the proverbial tea is that people lower on the social hierarchy share information through gossip to gain social status. That’s key because knowing what motivates them will help you defuse them. To do just that, redirect the conversation so it focuses on them, simply by asking, “What’s going on with you?” says Solomon. In putting the spotlight on their lives, you’re making them feel seen, so they’re less likely to seek stature by winding the gears of the gossip mill.
Curb a complainer with the power of 3
Ugh, you know the type who can complain about everything from their workload to the weather—even when it’s sunny! Emotions are contagious, so when Negative Nellies natter on about how every glass is half empty, we start to see the world the same way, dialing up our stress levels. But just shifting how we address their penchant for negativity can brighten our perspective in no time.
“This person is showing you how they likely grew up: The squeaky wheel gets the grease,” observes Solomon. “Rather than argue with them by saying, ‘Yeah, but X and Y are going great’—which they’ll only dismiss—consider responding by saying something like, ‘I would love for you to tell me three things that are going amazingly for you right now.’” The simple request forces them to do some reflection and conjure positivity on their own. And when they have to articulate it themselves, they’re much more likely to internalize it, paving the way for genuine optimism.
Protect yourself from a narcissist with clear boundaries
There are two types of narcissists: the overt, grandiose braggart you can spot a mile away and the covert kind whose weapons of choice include more subtle sarcasm and thinly veiled rudeness. What do they share? They both want to ruffle your feathers, says Hakim. “Narcissists don’t like dealing with people they aren’t getting a rise out of, so step back and stay calm.”
After you regain your bearings, the next step may surprise you: Try to find common ground. “Pinpointing something you genuinely share instantly disarms them,” she says. “You might say, ‘I actually agree with you on X.’ Or it can be something almost trivial like, ‘I didn’t realize you were a Nets fan.’” Creating a link with them, however tenuous, makes it easier to clarify your boundaries, such as: “I’m not going to engage with you if you continue to talk to me this way.” After all, the foundation of every healthy boundary is self-respect.
Stand up to a bully with a calm reset
Bullies are often drawn to compassionate people, so don’t beat yourself up if someone is figuratively beating you up. Ask yourself what keeps you engaged in this dynamic, urges Solomon. “Perhaps you got used to relationships with domineering people when you were younger, and no one was there to advocate for you.” Thankfully, when it comes to our emotional health, past is not necessarily prologue, because we can write a new, empowering script and reclaim the respect we deserve.
“If this person is in your life and you value your shared history, you might say something like, ‘You matter a lot to me, but I’m finding it hard to feel calm and relaxed with you,’” Solomon suggests. “Then express what it is you need: ‘I would really like you to ask me rather than tell me what to do,’ Or, ‘I need you to use a gentler voice when you speak to me.’” Standing up for ourselves takes practice, but once we start, the momentum we trigger lays the groundwork for greater confidence and resilience.
Quiet a critic with strategic honesty
Arguably the most exhausting kind of negative person is the chronic fault-finder. “Just know they are often projecting their own insecurities onto you,” says Solomon. “Because they don’t feel empowered to advocate for themselves, their criticism is the only way for them to feel in control—this behavior is all about them.”
That’s great to know on an intellectual level, but emotionally, their slings and arrows still hurt. Though you may feel justified in wanting to lash out at them, this is the least-effective strategy, cautions Solomon. “You don’t want to fight fire with fire—it’ll only escalate things,” she says, adding that the better tactic is good, old-fashioned emotional honesty. “You might say, ‘It hurts my feelings when you say X.’ Or, ‘It makes me pull away when you do Y.’
Critical people, by nature, aren’t used to looking within themselves, so they may genuinely be surprised at how their comments affect you. One thing is for sure: If they’re worthy of being in your life, they’ll take what you’re saying to heart and change their behavior.
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always consult your physician before pursuing any treatment plan.