If you’ve ever found yourself questioning whether your toddler’s latest behavioral masterpiece is normal or cause for concern, you’re not alone. One minute they’re sweetly stacking blocks, the next they’re launching said blocks at your head because you dared to serve lunch on the blue plate instead of the red one.
But here’s the thing that keeps us all up at 2 AM Googling “is my toddler normal”: How do we know when our child’s behavior is just peak toddler chaos versus something that might need professional support?
Devon Kuntzman, parenting expert, ICF-certified coach, and author of Transforming Toddlerhood, has coached over a million parents through this exact dilemma in persona and through her insightful Instagram, @TransformingToddlerhood. And spoiler alert: Most of what’s driving you to hide in the pantry eating goldfish crackers is probably totally normal.
The “problem” behaviors that are actually just Tuesday
Before we dive into the red flags, let’s acknowledge the toddler behaviors that feel problematic but are actually par for the course. According to Kuntzman, parents most commonly worry about hitting, biting, tantrums and meltdowns, picky eating, clinginess and separation anxiety, regressions (especially around potty training and speech), and having the attention span of a fruit fly.
Sound familiar? That’s because you’re not raising a tiny Hannibal Lecter—you’re raising a human whose brain is literally under construction. Their prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for impulse control and rational thinking) won’t be fully developed until they’re in their twenties. So when your two-year-old loses it because their sandwich is cut into squares instead of triangles, they’re not being dramatic—they’re being developmentally appropriate.
The art of distinguishing normal from “let’s call someone”
So how do you tell the difference between a phase and a pattern that needs attention? Kuntzman emphasizes tracking behavior and examining its frequency, duration, and intensity. “Then I usually ask parents if they feel the behavior(s) are completely derailing family life in a way that they are constantly walking on eggshells or can no longer operate the way they typically have in the past.”
Think of it this way: Are you adjusting your entire life around your child’s behavior, or are you dealing with age-appropriate challenges that come and go?
Here are the key questions Kuntzman recommends parents ask themselves:
Frequency: Is this happening occasionally or all day, every day?
Intensity: When it happens, is it within the range of typical toddler big feelings, or extreme and hard to recover from?
Context: Does it happen in specific situations (tired, hungry, new places), or across all settings?
Impact: Is it interfering with daily life—play, connection, or routines?
Most importantly: “Is my child still learning and gaining new skills overall, or does it seem like they’re stuck or losing abilities?” Zooming out to look at the bigger picture is paramount.
When normal becomes a red flag
While every child develops on their own timeline, Kuntzman identifies specific behaviors and patterns that warrant professional attention. Here’s when it’s time to trust your gut and seek support:
Eating concerns: If your child is only eating 5-10 different foods and has eliminated entire food groups or textures, this goes beyond typical toddler pickiness.
Persistent regressions: A regression in daily skills lasting more than 4-6 weeks, or any regression in core developmental skills like language, social, or motor abilities.
Communication delays: Not reaching typical speech milestones, such as not saying 50 words by age 2 or not combining two words.
Social connection issues: Lack of eye contact and not responding when their name is called.
Extreme tantrums: Meltdowns lasting longer than 30-45 minutes, happening multiple times daily, and being very difficult to recover from.
Aggressive behaviors: Extreme aggression toward self or others (frequent biting, hitting, head-banging) that doesn’t improve with guidance.
Withdrawal: Persistent withdrawal, lack of interest in play, or seeming “in their own world.”
Sensory sensitivities: Intense reactions (covering ears to everyday sounds, gagging at textures) that limit participation in daily routines.
Phases vs. patterns: The timeline that matters
Understanding the difference between a phase and a pattern can save your sanity. According to Kuntzman, “A phase is short-lived, that may pop up for a few days or a few weeks, and is usually tied to a developmental leap, big life change, or some other type of stressor.” Think extra clinginess after starting daycare or sleep disruptions during a language explosion.
“A pattern is a persistent behavior that doesn’t resolve, lasting months, and interferes with your child’s or family’s daily life.” We’re talking daily hour-long meltdowns for several months that leave everyone emotionally depleted.
The regression reality check
Regressions can send parents into full panic mode, but not all regressions are created equal. Some are completely normal, especially during big life changes like a new sibling, starting school, or family stress. These typically affect everyday skills like potty training, sleeping, or eating.
The red flags? When core developmental skills regress—social, language, or motor abilities—especially when it’s not clearly tied to a stressor and persists beyond 3-6 weeks. “Normal temporary regressions usually resolve in 3-6 weeks with support, and the child is still progressing in other areas,” Kuntzman explains.
Your action plan: From tracking to getting help
If you’re concerned, start documenting. Kuntzman recommends tracking: day, time, location, what happened five minutes before, how you responded, your toddler’s reaction, and duration. This data becomes invaluable when seeking professional support.
When you do identify red flags, “the first step is not to panic!” Start with your pediatrician, who may refer you to specialists like speech pathologists, developmental pediatricians, or occupational therapists. But remember, pediatricians only see a brief snapshot of your child, so trust your gut if you feel your concerns aren’t fully addressed.
Busting the myths that hold us back
We’ve all heard the well-meaning advice from relatives, friends, or even strangers at the grocery store that can actually prevent us from getting help when we need it. Kuntzman encounters these myths constantly in her work, and they’re worth addressing head-on:
“They’ll grow out of it.” This is probably the most common phrase parents hear, and while it’s sometimes true, it can become a dangerous waiting game. Yes, many behaviors are phases, but waiting too long when genuine support is needed can delay interventions that could make a real difference for your child and family.
“Boys just talk later.” This gendered assumption has caused countless families to miss early speech support opportunities. Language milestones apply to all children regardless of gender, and research shows that early intervention makes a significant difference in outcomes.
“It’s just the terrible twos.” While not every meltdown signals a red flag, dismissing persistent, extreme struggles as just a normal phase can leave families suffering unnecessarily. Sometimes what looks like typical toddler behavior is actually something that could benefit from professional guidance.
“If I were a better parent, this wouldn’t be happening.” This one hits deep, doesn’t it? The truth is, behavior challenges are not a reflection of your worth as a parent. Some kids simply need additional support to thrive, and recognizing that need actually makes you a great parent.
The bottom line
Here’s what every parent needs to remember: Seeking support isn’t admitting failure—it’s being a good parent. You know your child better than anyone, so when your gut says something feels off, listen to it. And remember, most of what feels overwhelming about toddler behavior is just your tiny human learning to be human.
Trust the process, track when necessary, and don’t be afraid to call for backup when you need it. We’re all just figuring it out as we go, one goldfish cracker at a time.
Kuntzman’s forthcoming book, Transforming Toddlerhood goes on sale 10/21 but you can pre-order it today!