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What are your best tips for staying happily married or partnered? Readers had a great threadjack a while ago, and with Valentine’s Day approaching, I thought it would be a good time to round up some of the best ideas.
We’ve talked a lot about issues around marriage, including financial ones (how to decide who manages the money in your family, how to talk about money with your partner, and how to decide whether to combine your finances), how to keep the spark, who is at the forefront of your marriage, and all about the love languages. (We’ve also talked about why and how to start couples’ therapy… and a divorce lawyers’ tips on what to know before you do anything.)
If you’re still hunting for love, readers recently shared how they met their partners, and readers also shared their best dating advice for career-driven women and discussed the best ways to meet new people. (Kat’s also shared her best advice on finding time to date when you’re super busy.)
How to STay Happily Married: Readers’ Best Advice and Tips!
First, here was the ask that kicked off the discussion:
for those who’ve been *happily* married for a long time – is there anything specific you did in the early days that you feel has really helped? Or, choices you make every day?
The reader explained that she had been happily married for six months, but both she and her partner came from “divorced parents who had very unhappy marriages,” so she thought she’d ask for advice.
You Have to Like Each Other…
One reader noted:
You have to like each other in addition to loving each other. So, keep investing in the activities that deepen your friendship, even if it’s simple as watching a TV show together. Go on a walk after dinner. Whatever it is, the point is that you’re seeking each other as refuge from the rest of the world and its pressures. We’ve been married 21 years, and I believe we’re both very happy because the friendship stays at the forefront. Makes it easier to work through the tougher stuff that will come up.
Another noted that after 18 years, “[m]y husband is still my favorite person to actually talk to and do stuff with…. we still just genuinely love being together and hanging out doing whatever. Being compatible as trusted best friends first has taken us through all the hard periods.”
Yet reader agreed that keeping the friendship is key. “I just genuinely like hanging out with my husband, and we cook together, go on walks, share articles, etc. It might sound kind of silly to text a URL to your spouse, but it gives us something more to talk about at dinner or on a walk.”
One reader wanted to emphasize the importance of having fun with your partner: “There have been times in our marriage when we’ve been more and less romantic (physically or emotionally). I’m convinced that the romance always comes back because the underlying humor and fun never goes away.”
… And Be Nice To Each Other
This may be obvious advice, but it sometimes has to be a choice to be nice. One reader joked that it may be “controversial,” but she and her husband say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ every day. She also acknowledged that there would be days when you’re irritable or angry, but try to let that be the exception and not the norm.
Another agreed with this:
YES to be nice to each other! We also say please and thank you, and I believe it’s good for our kids to see that, too. It was something I learned from my parents. Their marriage is very traditional in most ways and not exactly what I wanted for myself, but it has always, always been clear that they appreciate each other’s contributions. That makes a big difference.
Still another reader said: “Be kind. We say please and thank you. We look for ways to do things for the other person that will bring them moments of joy.”
Being grateful is a big part of this! One reader noted, “Be generous with expressing gratitude. I say thank you even when my husband does things he’s “supposed” to do (e.g. when it’s his night to do the dishes). Because I’m still very grateful to not have to do it myself!”
Another reader emphasized being respectful to your husband, noting “Never disparage or tease him in public. When friends complain about their husbands, don’t commiserate. It’s disrespectful to him and makes you look for things to complain about.”
Communicate
This advice is key! As one reader put it: “Communicate. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind and then get mad when they don’t do what you want.”
Another reader noted, “Do not let frustration and anger fester. Resentment is the killer. If something’s bothering you, talk about it. Learn how to argue without getting mean and with the mutual goal of solving the problem, not being ‘right.’”
Another reader reiterated that spouses are not mind readers. “Tell each other when you’re having a bad day. Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Warn your partner that you’re off that day. Spouses are not mind readers – use words and tell the spouse whatever is going on in life.”
Arguments can be really hard for some couples. One reader cautioned: “Watch how you fight. There are things that cannot be unsaid, please remember that.”
Another reader suggested therapy if you need to learn how to argue, noting that she and her husband had “5 very successful sessions with a counselor . . . who gave us some shared language for how to frame a complaint (“When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and so I need Z .”) and how to put an argument “in a box on the shelf” when we need to go to an event or take care of the kids as a united front and then take it out again later to finish the argument.”
Join the Team
A number of readers noted that you really have to both think of each other as a team. As one reader put it:
Consciously shift to using “ours” vs. “mine.” Our house, our decision, our money. If he makes a decision that you don’t agree with, doesn’t matter – to anyone outside of you, it was “our” decision and you’ll defend it as if it were your own. …
Take the position that you are always on the same team. e.g. if you have arguments about housework, the problem is always the housework, not him, and you are on the same team trying to figure it out.
One reader noted: “[m]y husband and I joke that it’s us vs the kids, we’re like border collies working together to herd the sheep. And really good at communicating with our eyes.”
Remain Your Own Person
Readers agreed with the advice that you should like your spouse, but a number also noted that you should strive for a balance of doing things together as well as doing things on your own — to be a team but to remain your own person.
One reader noted that in her 15-year marriage, “we’re both happiest when we are able to pursue individual hobbies and interests as well as stuff we do together and stuff we do with the family. … [F]or me the downs are always when I feel like I’ve lost myself because I’m giving too much to external things. Even things I love like my family.”
Another reader went even further, noting that you should listen with interest to your partner’s individual hobbies, and encourage them in their efforts. She noted, “I don’t think any relationship of any kind can survive being together all the time.”
Another reader noted that outside friendships can be a struggle in midlife, so she and her husband “default to yes when the other gets invited to something fun. We don’t keep score and we encourage the other to say yes, whether it’s a pricy girls weekend or just someone’s birthday drinks on a busy weeknight, we always try to make it happen for each other if possible. We also default to yes when it comes to gym and workout time.”
Respect Your Differences
One reader noted that as she’s been married, it’s become clear that they may need different things (extrovert vs introvert, different love languages, etc.) but that talking about those needs in a neutral way was key. Her example: “Hey I love you, but I’m exhausted and need to be alone for a few hours. it has nothing to do with you, I’m just going to be a recluse tonight” instead of assuming we can read each other’s minds and stewing until something sets us off when we’re accidentally on different pages.
A slightly different take on this: respect that you may do things differently, and that’s OK. Sheryl Sandburg famously advised to “let the man put the diaper on the baby’s head,” noting that he would figure out the correct way on his own. Readers had advice along those lines, noting “[w]hen it comes to keeping a house together or raising children together, you both have to have your roles, even if your partner does things differently than you’d do them yourself. Stay out of it.”
You may notice that you and your partner have different standards when it comes to, say, the cleanliness of your home. One reader advised that “if something causes resentment due to differing standards, see if you can outsource it.”
Keep Getting to Know Each Other As You Change
It’s a natural part of life to change. As one reader put it, “Let one another shift and change and grow, and as you do, get to know each other again. And again, and again.”
Some readers noted that experiencing new things together is key to helping both of you grow together. “Find new things to experience together. Supposedly novelty is one of the most important things in building lasting bonds, and that can be anything from trying a new restaurant, taking a cooking class, finding a new hike or traveling.”
Choose to Be Married
One reader noted that part of the success of her 25-year marriage was, effectively, choosing to remain married. As she noted:
A certain degree of stubbornness and commitment to remaining in the marriage has helped us through tough spots. Trying to at least be superficially kind to each other when you’re going through a tough spot helps too. Learn how to express when you’re crabby or just feeling off, for reasons unrelated to spouse, and need some space. Do fun, joyful things together.
Another reader put it slightly differently, noting that both partners need to decide that they would rather be happy than right. She continued, “[d]on’t pick at each other/pick your battles. You both do stuff that drives the other person nuts if they let it. Both try to minimize the things you do that drive him nuts and overlook the things he does where you feel the same.” Along those lines, she also noted:
Focus on the reasons you married each other and do not fixate on the things that make you each crazy. The grass really is greener where you water it. Water the good grass and try to avoid the weeds. Maybe this goes with the “don’t pick at each other” comment above.
I love all of this advice!! What are your best tips on how to stay happily married, readers? If you (like me) agree with all of it, do you have a #1 tip?
Stock photo via Stencil.